Stars Confirm Time Travel Is Real — And Every Timeline Ends Here
The cosmos has finally spoken, and what it said, in the cold language of ancient light, is that there is no escape, only iteration.
WASHINGTON — The celestial bodies have been trying to warn us for millennia, and according to a startling new convergence of planetary alignments analyzed exclusively by this publication's astrology desk, time travel is not merely possible — it is mandatory, involuntary, and has been happening to the American electorate since approximately 1994. Saturn, currently squatting in Pisces like a debt collector who has given up pretending he has anywhere better to be, confirms what our sources have suspected: every timeline leads to this. Every. Single. One.
"The multiverse ran the numbers," says my source, whom I am calling Rodrigo de la Sombra Perpetua, a quantum astrologer operating out of a climate-controlled panic room in Scottsdale. "Every branch, every fork, every butterfly-effect deviation from the original path — they all eventually arrive at the same fluorescent-lit committee hearing where a seventy-eight-year-old man mispronounces 'algorithm' and receives a standing ovation." Mercury in retrograde does not cause miscommunication. Mercury in retrograde reveals that the communication was always a lie, a fact the outer planets have apparently been screaming into the void since the Bronze Age, unheard.
Chiron, the wounded healer, enters Aries this week, which the charts indicate represents our collective attempt to go back and fix the thing — the specific thing, you know the one — only to discover that fixing it merely accelerates it. The darkness here is not metaphorical. Astrologers consulted by this desk, including my secondary source Valentina Ruina del Futuro, note that every traveler who has slipped between timelines reports the same experience upon arrival: a cable news chyron, slightly different wording, identical despair. The stars do not offer comfort. They offer context, which is somehow worse.
Your horoscope this week is simple and universal, regardless of sign: you have already made the choice that brought you here. The choice you will make next has also already been made, in a timeline three degrees colder and two elections more theatrical than this one. Neptune whispers that there is still beauty in the wreckage. Neptune is, as always, catastrophically high. Adjust your birth chart accordingly. Tip your quantum astrologer. There is no later.